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Asheera
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Postby Asheera » Jul 31 2008, 20:24

Man: Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
Doc: When did you first notice this problem?
Man: What problem?

==========

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Sam: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

==========

What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?

Nuclear fission.

==========

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

==========

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

==========

Scientists have identified a new type of food that, after digested, can have negative effects on people, including aggressive behaviors on women, psychotic moments on men, and severe depressions on both. It's called: "wedding cake".
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Postby Panda Tar » Aug 13 2008, 19:26

Son: Dad, when I finally get to school, people won't stop calling me liar!
Father: Shut up, kiddo! You didn't even start studying yet!
"There’s nothing to fear but fear itself and maybe some mild to moderate jellification of bones." Cave Johnson, Portal 2. :panda:

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Postby Asheera » Aug 16 2008, 20:43

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that damn fence wasn't electrified."
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Postby Pol » Aug 16 2008, 23:06

:tsup: :rofl:
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Postby Kalah » Aug 16 2008, 23:25

:lolu:
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Asheera
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Postby Asheera » Aug 17 2008, 11:57

Hehe, glad you liked it :D
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Asheera
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Postby Asheera » Sep 16 2008, 17:17

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left only with seven."
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Postby [T]osHiro » Sep 16 2008, 17:24

I don't get it :disagree:
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Asheera
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Postby Asheera » Sep 16 2008, 18:07

Hint: He left with 7 chickens and returned with 12.
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Postby Pol » Sep 16 2008, 19:03

@Asheera
:rofl:

But I know some people when grounded perform like that. They are pretty cool!

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Postby Borsuc » Sep 16 2008, 20:57

LMAO :lolu:
All humans do is to go to a place, bountiful of nature, and live there. Then the human multiplies and sucks all the wonders there. They move to the next. There is one thing that works the same way as that: a virus.

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Muszka
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Postby Muszka » Sep 16 2008, 23:46

@Asheera
I bet this is a Romanian joke :tsup:
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Postby ThunderTitan » Sep 26 2008, 20:06

Nah... we'd never joke about stealing....
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Postby Panda Tar » Sep 26 2008, 21:10

Sorry to all Argentineans around, but these are some Brazilian jokes about our healthy relationship with "los hermanos". I translated them trying to keep them with their fullest meaning:

Accordingly to recent data, for every 10 Argentineans, 11 feel like they are better than anyone else.

Which is the difference between Argentineans and terrorists? Terrorists have sympathy.

Which is the similarity between a humble Argentinean and Superman? Neither of them exist.

Once upon a sunny morning in Buenos Aires, a tourist says: - What a beautiful morning!
The Argentinean that was walking by the tourist side replies - Gracias, nosotros hacemos lo que podemos hacer de mejor.
(Thanks, we know what we can do the best)

How do you recognize an Argentinean in a library? He's the one asking for a Buenos Aires mapa-mundi.

Accordingly to the Argentinean Press, Maradona was the world's best football player and one of the best Argentinean players.

What do you must throw at an Argentinean that is drowing? The rest of his family.

What's ego? The little Argentinean that lives within each one of us.

What is the most reliable businees in the world? To buy an Argentinean for what he's worth and sell him for the much he thinks he is worth for.

A little Argentinean talks to his dad: - Papa, quando crescer you quiero ser como usted. (Father, when I grow up, and I want to be just like you)
- Y por que, mi hijo?! asks the dead proudly. (And why, my son?!)
- Para tener un hijo como yo. (To have a son just like myself.)

Why there are so many premature births in Argentina? Because even a mother stands an Argentinean for 9 months!

Why generally the Argentineans prefer not to marry? Because they are unable to find a woman that loves them more than they love themselves.

Why there's no earthquakes in Argentina? Because even the earth won't swallow them.

News in the main Argentinean evening news: Brasil e Argentina empataram hoy el jogo por la Copa America : Zero gols para Brasil e ZERO GOLAÇOS para la Argentina! (Brazil and Argentina ended the game for the America Cup: Zero goals for Brazil and ZERO AWESOME GOALS for Argentina!)
"There’s nothing to fear but fear itself and maybe some mild to moderate jellification of bones." Cave Johnson, Portal 2. :panda:

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Postby Monte Cristo » Oct 6 2008, 22:56

Q.What did Paddy the Irishman call his pet zebra ?

A.Spot
The truth is out there

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Postby Muszka » Oct 10 2008, 1:08

Women wants to advertise her husband's death in the obituary:
- Smith died.
- And? - asks the journalist?
- That's all.
- Geez. Isn't that evil. I mean it was your husband after all.
- I'm kind of short of money so, I try keeping it simple - answers Mrs. Smith
- But the price is the same for the first 10 words.
- All right, all right. I try again than: Smith died. Cheap car for sale at the same address.
"Rage against the system, the system, what kills the human spirit."

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Asheera
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Postby Asheera » Oct 10 2008, 11:40

:D
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Muszka
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Postby Muszka » Oct 10 2008, 17:05

It sounds better in my mother tongue actually. :)
"Rage against the system, the system, what kills the human spirit."

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Postby Wolfsburg » Oct 10 2008, 18:17

A humble hommage to my compatriot, Panda man: a small one about argentinians too (since we will probably be the only ones laughing anyway). And before anyone complains, I claim I have absolutely nothing against either argentinians or other land in the world, quite the opposite, I only had wonderful experiences with argentinians and enjoyed their company greatly.

-----------------------------

An argentinian farmer and a brazilian farmer were working out on the field, each one at their side of the border. By the digging both spot simultaneously a half-buried genie's lamp and run over to snatch it. They wanted to try and give it a rub (we are both very believing people). As both take the lamp at the same time an awful struggle starts, spanish and portuguese cursing words being fired at insane rate. But by the wrestling they accidentally rub it, and voilá, a GENIE comes out of the lamp. The poor entity comes out only to find two masters soaked in sweat, red up to their ears, yelling at each other like posessed. As both start at the spot the big discussion about who found it first, the genie cuts them short and says he is granting both a wish (he was out of mana for random blessings).

This quite ends the dispute, and both start to formulate their wishes. The argentinian comes first and says. I know what I want! Hell yes! I want A wall. Not a regular one, I want a 30 feet-high reinforced stone wall, surrounding the whole of my beautiful land. And I want no flaws in it as well! I want this barrier to be untranspassable. That way we shall worry no more about this stupid greedy brazilians coming to our land, taking OUR wishes away. Usurping the beauty of this land.

The headless genie nods its weird hat in aproval and BOING! A glorious wall arises from the middle of the pumpking plantations and spreads to both sides in enormous speed through field and water, surrounding the whole land of Argentina within seconds as proud coliseum walls!

The genie turns its frontside to the brazilian now, and asks calmly: what about you?

The brazilian scratches himself on the chin, still hypnothized by the massive wall that stands before him and answers vaguely: I want you to fill it with WATER...

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Postby Muszka » Oct 11 2008, 1:57

Heh... I knew this one, but only with gypsies... I wanted to tell another one with a gypsy and his neighbor... I guess I leave it till tomorrow... I'm tired... and dizzy.
"Rage against the system, the system, what kills the human spirit."


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