The Joke Thread

Light-hearted discussions, forum games and anything that doesn't fit into the other forums.

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ScarlettP
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Postby ScarlettP » Feb 17 2008, 4:16

A LATE, Red Neck Valentine...

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds. IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!!
******************************************

Gamers don't grow old. We just level up.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Feb 19 2008, 10:29

ScarlettP wrote:Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.


2007, near my location: - Jeffrey get all his friend, waits for the principal to go home... the principal is hospitalized for a few months, Jeff's daddy pays his way out of any charges. No one ever dares question J-Dog again...
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

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Pol
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Postby Pol » Feb 20 2008, 10:48

Deserted Island
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life...until the boat sank! The man found himself
swept up on the shore of an island with no other people,
no supplies...nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

In disbelief he asks her:
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says.
"I landed here when my cruise ship sank four months ago."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash
up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman.
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island;
the oars were whittled from gum tree branches;
I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came
from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man.
"You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman.
"On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of
alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place" she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat.
Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted
in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with
each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.
Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed.
"Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I've built a still.
How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they
sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like
to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the
cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end,
inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell
necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely.
I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like
doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these
months? You know..." She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound.
He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps,
"...I can actually check my e-mail from here???"
--from absolutly amazing (exCH)Excalibur
"We made it!"
The Archives | Collection of H3&WoG files | Older albeit still useful | CH Downloads
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ScarlettP
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Postby ScarlettP » Feb 20 2008, 11:13

*giggle*


We watched "History of the Joke" on TV the other night... one joke that had all four of us laughing for a full minute. Perhaps not word for word, and it was better with a professional comedian doing the delivery:


The Doctor tells his patient, "I'm sorry sir. You'll have to stop masturbating."

The paniced man says, "OMG! Why?"

The Doctor complains, "Because I need to examine you."

---------------------------

The one the boys liked:

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?

She's a woman.
******************************************



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Tensho
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Postby Tensho » Feb 20 2008, 12:52

At the airport:
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no...I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- , cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast.
Dont angry the banana!

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Kalah
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Postby Kalah » Feb 20 2008, 13:25

I could probably say something at this point about offending Arabs, but... nah. :lolu:
In War: Resolution, In Defeat: Defiance, In Victory: Magnanimity, In Peace: Goodwill.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Feb 28 2008, 16:21

A Jewish woman says to her mother: " I'm divorcing Sheldon , all he wants is a**l s*x and my arsehole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
Jewish Mother says: "You are married to a multi-millionaire businessman , you live in an 8 bedroom mansion , you drive a Ferrari , you get $2000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?"



Mommy never heard of divorce settlements it seems...
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

Alt-0128: €


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asandir
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Postby asandir » Feb 28 2008, 22:33

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Kalah
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Postby Kalah » Mar 2 2008, 23:30

Here's something a bit funny; it's called a guide to problem solving. :)

Image
In War: Resolution, In Defeat: Defiance, In Victory: Magnanimity, In Peace: Goodwill.

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Postby Corribus » Mar 2 2008, 23:41

I have the same guide hanging over my desk at work... but mess is replaced with another more fun four letter word.
"What men are poets who can speak of Jupiter if he were like a man, but if he is an immense spinning sphere of methane and ammonia must be silent?" - Richard P. Feynman

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Postby ScarlettP » Mar 3 2008, 1:53

:D Kalah, I liked that one so much I stole it and saved it to the HD.
******************************************



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Postby Panda Tar » Mar 3 2008, 14:45

Now change the word crap, mess or else to that guy's name you're so fond of that called you fat. :-D And, intead of problem solved, something like: "demonic revenge successful". :D
"There’s nothing to fear but fear itself and maybe some mild to moderate jellification of bones." Cave Johnson, Portal 2. :panda:

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Kalah
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Postby Kalah » Mar 3 2008, 15:31

Have a look at this one then...

Image

P.S: Sorry 'bout the 'French'.
In War: Resolution, In Defeat: Defiance, In Victory: Magnanimity, In Peace: Goodwill.

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Postby ScarlettP » Mar 3 2008, 23:30

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
******************************************



Gamers don't grow old. We just level up.

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Mar 9 2008, 0:10

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Mar 9 2008, 19:45

Kalah wrote:Image


we never get made fun of... :(
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

Alt-0128: €


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Postby asandir » Mar 9 2008, 23:18

rastafarians FTW! :D
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Kalah
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Postby Kalah » Mar 10 2008, 0:06

Speaking of... I gotta hit the toilet and see if I get can something to happen... :|
In War: Resolution, In Defeat: Defiance, In Victory: Magnanimity, In Peace: Goodwill.

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Postby asandir » Mar 10 2008, 0:17

8|
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Postby Muszka » Mar 10 2008, 2:46

Kalah wrote:Speaking of... I gotta hit the toilet and see if I get can something to happen... :|
asandir wrote: 8|
My tears came out, from laughing...
"Rage against the system, the system, what kills the human spirit."


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